To Mr Doughnut (Unsent Letter to that Tulsa Cop)

Dear Barney Fife jr.,
Are
you related to Officer Powatripace in some way? You sir, are an idiot.
You, of all people, should recognize a doughnut when you see one. And
just who the hell do you think you are to insert your stubby finger in
my sterile ass creme jar anyhow? And the gloves you thought were meth
lab related–did it occur to you why they were next to my jar of zinc,
my badge, and my peri-wash? I’m so glad I didn’t leave my thermometer in
the car too. You would probably stick it up your ass to see if it
channeled in some FCC forbidden channel. You actually referred to glaze
from a doughnut as "crystal type residue"? I wished you had wasted the
departments time and money on that testing. That would have made
headlines. What’s unfortunate, is you will make headlines one day.
Please tell me you have not already multiplied. Please. To think there
may be more of you running around saying "yes sir boyz we um got em
selves sum of dem der meth lab ’suspiacts!"
You are an embarrassment
to every little boy who ever joined the department with pure
intentions. Were you one of those out of control hallway moniters as a
kid? Or just some fat stupid outcast who got high and ate too many
twinkies then vowed to get all those kids parents and teachers back for
daring to object to your girl’s locker room viewing thru the little
hole? Don’t get me wrong–we are glad you didn’t do the columbine thing
that you had originally intended, but did you have to use a badge to
hide behind? You are still the same dork you were when you were a kid.
No one likes you–but there is no need to be bitter. Ok –I almost feel
sorry for you , what with your mama not even liking you ( and laughing
with the others at pta meetings), but for god’s sakes –quit picking on
innocent people. I know you’re frightened of those big mean bullies,
but it’s not too late to start a new profession. I hear the circus is
coming to town. You- under the big top, Think about it. They may even
give you a little authority here and there. Put you in charge of
popcorn clean up or something. Who knows? And you know I have your
finger prints and although you were careful not to let anyone know what
you did and when and where–I could probably identify you.
Sincerely yours,
Meth mobile owner aka subject of your paranoia and dellusion